Some Like It Hot! 2nd Annual NFL Head Coach Hotseat Power Ranking

Carroll has turned the Seahawks into a budding juggernaut.

Another year, another dollar! The 2014 NFL season is almost upon us. Last year, I had the bright idea of writing an article previewing the season in an unconventional way. You can go anywhere to be told who’s going to be the breakout star or surprise team. Why would you want that? That’s boring... to me anyway. But who wouldn't want to know where their favorite team's head coach was sitting while riding the wacky NFL coaching carousel. No bullshit, Al Qaeda leaders have better job security than NFL head coaches.

This post is actually a huge moment for me because it’s the first time I’ve done a second edition of a previous article. So if you were around for last season’s post, I'd like to say thanks for sticking with me. Anyway, let’s see who’s in the hottest hotseat in 2014, but first, here’s a list of the “fallen” from last season. Cue, Sarah McLachlan's "I Will Remember You."

Jim Schwartz, Lions

Mike Munchak, Titans

Gary Kubiak, Texans

Mike Shanahan, Racists, Redskins

Leslie Frazier, Vikings

Greg Schiano, Buccaneers

Rob Chudzinski, Browns (DUDE WAS A FIRST YEAR COACH IN THE NEUTRAL ZONE! Damn Cleveland! Doesn’t matter the sport, even your first year coaches aren’t safe! Mike Brown is somewhere nodding right now.)

Dead Man Walking (Norv Turner Award)

(Named After the Coach that survived the most seasons as a Dead Man Walking.)
Coaches here already have their pink slips under their office chairs, even if they don’t know it. These guys could literally be fired by the time I finish typing this. Only an improbable Super Bowl victory saves their jobs. 

Joe Philbin -  Miami Dolphins

After two bad Dolphins' seasons, including all the drama from last season, I’m as shocked as any that Philbin survived 2013. My only guess to why he got to keep his gig is Dolphins management figured he deserved a “do-over" after the Jonathan Martin/Richie Incognito fiasco. But if you ask me there's no way he should get a pass for all of the "in house drama" that took place down in South Beach. NFL head coaches are total control freaks in the locker room. I don't blame Bill Belichick for not knowing what Aaron Hernadez was doing off the field because coaches don't control that part of their players' lives. When it comes to everything on the field and in that locker room, head coaches are Alpha and Omega. If the Dolphins miss the playoffs this season Philbin will be calling LeBron James to ask, "Who did you get to move your stuff from Miami? Why? I'm ahhh. I'm asking for a friend."

Blazing Hot

The Coaches here are probably done after this season. Miss the playoffs and it’s over. Make the playoffs and it still may be over. They at least last through the season, but they’d need 10 plus victories and at least one playoff win to get another year.

Jason Garrett - Dallas Cowboys

Face of a winner.

Jason Garrett is like "Jason" in that he won't go away no matter how much death and destruction he causes. He's made the “Blazing Hot” list in back-to-back years and that's NOT a good thing by the way. I predicted that the 2013 Cowboys would have a shot to make the playoffs, blow it and somehow go 8-8. They smell even worst than that this season. Losing Sean Lee doesn’t help and Romo may or may not be 100%. Truth be told, Romo is the only reason the Cowboys are as good as they have been. It’s hard to see Jerry Jones giving Garrett another year if Dallas doesn’t make the playoffs in 2014. He should be our "Dead Man Walking" but then again it is Dallas and God knows what the hell they’re doing down there.

Dennis Allen - Oakland Raiders

Do you remember anything positive or negative about the 2013 Oakland Raiders? Nope me either. You could've told me that the NFL instituted relegation during the 2013 season and the Raiders played in the CFL. That's how out of touched the Raiders felt last season. (Relegation is used in English soccer leagues. It's a policy where the worst team each year moves down to a lower league.) I don’t see any scenario (Outside of Peyton Manning, Philip Rivers, and Alex Smith murdering one another in a three-way cage match to the death.) where the immortal Matt Schaub leads the Raiders into the playoffs. Which means I don’t see Allen in Oakland much longer.

Rex Ryan - New York Jets

Ryan pulled a Norv Turner in that he kept a job he had no business keeping. Coming off that feat alone I had to move him down a level… or up… I’m still not sure how movement on this scale works. The Jets added a few nice pieces, most notable dogkiller, QB Michael Vick. Unless Geno Smith turns into a beast, which I DON’T see happening, I can already see the QB controversy in New York. Did Rex not learn from the whole Tim Tebow thing?! Rex's just really into overrated, overhyped super polarizing quarterbacks I guess. It’s been fun but it’s over if you miss the playoffs Rex.

 Hot & Heating Up

Coaches here are in some trouble. Expectations are high so they must win but if they loss too badly they could be out.

Mike Smith - Atlanta Falcons

Mike Smith how the hell did you survive going 4-12?!?! With a healthy Matt Ryan no less?! A drop off that bad can normally be directly attributed to an injury to your star QB. Falcon management must've felt Smith was owed a pass because of the Julio Jones injury and for getting Atlanta back on track after the Bobby Petrino/Michael Vick mess. Injuries aside, the Falcons are perennial under performers and Smith's leash is as short as it's ever been. A revamped D, and a healthy Julio should equal a bounce back year for Atlanta. But all bets are off on Smith keeping his job if the Falcons have another season like 2013.

Ron Rivera - Carolina Panthers

Rivera is as intense on the sideline as he was on the field.

Ron Rivera, a lame duck coach on the verge of looking through the classifieds for a high school coaching job, successfully reshaped himself into Riverboat Ron, a risk takin' SOB that doesn't take shit! Riverboat Ron led the Panthers into the playoffs, kept his job, played himself off the "Blazing List" and moved up, or down still not sure, to the H&H list. Good, no GREAT job Riverboat Ron! That being said, I don’t see the Panthers going anywhere in 2014. I'm factoring in a much tougher schedule and that little part where the Saints and Falcons have both improved. I don’t think Ron’s in as bad as shape as he was coming into last season, he’s not out of the woods by any means.

Marvin Lewis - Cincinnati Bengals

Only Bill Belichick has been with his team longer than Marvin Lewis has been with the Bengals. That's surprising considering one guy is a three time Super Bowl champion and the other guy is well, Marvin Fucking Lewis! Three straight trips to the playoffs means there's a lot more pressure on him than there use to be. Cincinnati is rich with talent on both sides of the ball and the return of Pro Bowl D-Lineman Geno Atkins means the Bengals should be a lot better going into the playoffs. I say "going into the playoffs" because anything less is a total and complete failure. Given how much money they committed to Andy “I haven’t proven I can win a playoff game but thanks for the money anyway” Dalton, Cincy has lofty goals not for their future, but for right now.

Toasty

The coaches here aren’t in any real trouble but all bets are off if they lose 10 plus. Coaches here are relatively safe if they win 7 or more games.

Gus Bradley - Jacksonville Jaguars

Damn son! Shit was all good just a week ago! Neutral list to Toasty in one year. That took some doing cause outside Cleveland, you get at least two seasons before you start feeling the heat. The Jags sucked harder than a hooker on Valentine's Day in 2013. Most of it could be blamed on their horrid QB situation that Bradley inherited. Now that he’s got his own QB in Blake Bortles (Who I think is going to be pretty good by the way.) there aren't going to be many excuses left. Given the success of rookie QBs the last few years, I don't think people in Jacksonville see a Super Bowl coming in 2014, but no way they should be 4-12 again.

Doug Marrone - Buffalo Bills

The Bills weren't great and like Bradley, its only Marrone’s second year but he doesn’t feel safe at all to me. QB EJ Manuel had to deal with a few injuries so it’s not all Marrone’s fault they were bad in 2013. Buffalo have the longest playoff drought in the NFL so expectations are never that high. But I’m sure they’d like to go to the playoffs sometime in my kid’s lifetime. Last year he was on the Neutral list but I could see Buffalo moving on if he’s really bad this second season. A few coaches from the Neutral list got the ax and it wouldn't be a shock if Marrone were one of those guys in 2014.

Neutral  

These coaches are just safe. They could lose 10 plus and still come back, but they definitely see more heat in the next season if they do that. Most of these coaches either just got the job or are in year two of the job. The ones that have a year of service start to move up or down after this season. But for this season, they could win or lose and they still return. (NOTE: Names in bold are coaches in their 1st with a team.)

Chip Kelly has brought happy times to Philly.

Chip Kelly - Philadelphia Eagles

From an offensive X’s and O’s standpoint, Kelly very well could be the best coach in the NFL. Philly’s dynamic offensive scheme helped turn Nick Foles into a Pro Bowler and in turn, me into a back-to-back Fantasy Football Champion! Thanks Chip! Expectations are rightfully very high in Philly. Especially seeing how shaky the Giants, Cowboys and Washington all look. I see the Eagles at least winning the NFC East, but I’m sure Kelly and the Eagles are aiming much higher than a division title.

Bruce Arians - Arizona Cardinals

People forget that this guy was almost a back-to-back Coach of the Year! Arians won in 2012 during “ChuckStrong” and could have won it last season as well. He got 10 wins in the NFL’s toughest division and somehow made the corpse of Carson Palmer look like a real NFL QB again. That alone should have gotten the guy at least co-COY. The NFC West looks to be a just as tough in 2014, with the 49ers and Seahawks being Super Bowl favorites so I could see the Cards winning fewer games. Either way, winning or losing season, Arians is one of the safest in the Neutral zone.

Andy Reid - Kansas City Chiefs

The 2013 Chiefs surprised all with their 11-5 season but not me. A bad division, new good coach replacing an old horrible coach, and a soft schedule meant everything was in place for Reid to have success in year one. You'll notice as their opponents got better down the stretch, the Chiefs got worse. Alex Smith is "serviceable" but he's not winning you a Super Bowl. If Reid couldn't win it all in Philly when Donovan McNabb was at the peak of his powers, no way he's winning it with a WAYYY less talented noodle armed Alex Smith. 2014 doesn’t look like it's going to be as nice as 2013 in Kansas City. However, even if they lose, Reid won’t feel much heat... yet.

Marc Trestman - Chicago Bears

Mike Pettine – Cleveland Browns

Jim Caldwell – Detroit Lions

Bill O’Brien – Houston Texans

Chuck Pagano – Indianapolis Colts

Mike Zimmer - Minnesota Vikings

Mike McCoy - San Diego Chargers

Jeff Fisher – St. Louis Rams

Lovie Smith – Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Ken Whisenhunt – Tennessee Titans

Jay Gruden – Washington Racists Redskins

Unmovable

Nothing to say because the coaches here aren’t going anywhere. They’ve got Super Bowl appearances and/or Super Bowl wins. They'd have to lose 10 plus for a few years before they feel an ounce of heat. These guys basically quit/retire to lose their jobs.

After leading the Broncos to the Super Bowl, John Fox upgraded to unmovable.

John Harbaugh – Baltimore Ravens

John Fox- Denver Broncos

Mike McCarthy – Green Bay Packers

Mike Tomlin – Pittsburgh Steelers

Sean Payton – New Orleans Saints

Tom Coughlin – New York Giants

Jim Harbaugh – San Francisco 49ers

Peter Carroll – Seattle Seahawks

God Mode (Nick Saban Award)

(Named After The Coach With Greatest Job Security in the history of football.)

This slot is saved for the one guy that could lose every year for a decade and still not move. When this guy retires, the team is going to try to talk him into staying longer. This guy is NEVER EVER feeling heat. He has statues outside of the stadium, fans name they’re babies after him and water towers in his hometown have his name painted across them. He doesn’t lose the job until he quits the job and if he wants to come back, you fire the guy that replaced him on the spot if it means he coaches your team again.

Bill Belichick – New England Patriots

Some Like It Hot! 1st Annual NFL Head Coach Hot-Seat Power Rankings

Bill Belichick and Rex Ryan; You could say they're two guys
on polar opposite sides of the Power Rankings.

Do you feel it? Do you see it? The chill in the air. The browning of the leaves. All annual signs that it’s the start of a new NFL season and with it the chance/hope your favorite team can continue their excellence or return to its former glory.

As much as I love seeing which teams will step forward and which ones will fall back, I get just as much joy in the NFL coaching carousel. Watching NFL coaches squirm and wither away from the ever-mounting pressure of losses, the fans and ownership is as entertaining as the games themselves at times. In honor of all this “morbid” fun, I’m starting a new annual tradition. Let’s take a look at all of the coaches in the NFL and the level of job security each enjoys (Some are "enjoying" job security like a hard kick to the nads.) in my 1st Annual NFL Coaching Hot-Seat Power Rankings.

Dead Man Walking (Norv Turner Award)

(Named After the Coach that survived the most seasons as a Dead Man Walking.)
Coaches here already have their pink slips under their office chairs, even if they don’t know it. These guys could literally be fired by the time I finish typing this. Only an improbable Super Bowl victory saves their jobs. 

Rex Ryan – New York Jets 

Oh Rex! How we’ve all enjoyed the "funny" press conferences, Sanchez tattoos and foot fetish videos but it’s all over. Rex Ryan is the example of a guy that reached a job that far exceeded his qualifications. He’s a defensive coordinator at heart so we shouldn't be so surprised he backed the wrong QB and his team has zero offensive firepower. Rex’s seat is so hot, he may not last a full season in New York.

Blazing Hot 

The Coaches here are probably done after this season. Miss the playoffs and it’s over. Make the playoffs and it still may be over. They at least last through the season, but they’d need 10 plus victories and at least one playoff win to get another year.

Jim Schwartz – Detroit Lions

Schwartz is your classic case of a head coach with a seemingly talented team but he isn't winning. He's got a franchise QB, superstar playmakers on offense and defense, so why can’t he win? Look, dude did takeover a 0-16 team, so some credit has to be given but the team is far too talented now to be going 4-12.

The Lions have been horribly undisciplined at times and that always points to a lack of leadership from the head coach. Detroit MUST make the playoffs for Schwartz to come back in 2014. You can’t keep wasting the prime years of guys like Calvin Johnson and Matt Stafford.

The Texas heat isn't the only thing Garrett is feeling.

Jason Garrett – Dallas Cowboys 

I don’t care what Jerry Jones says about Garrett’s job security, this guy is toast if Dallas flops again. Few teams go into each season with as much unwarranted hype as the Cowboys, (Much to they’re own doing most of the time.) so the guy that coaches Dallas will always be under pressure. With Garrett at the helm the Cowboys have gone 5-3, 8-8 and 8-8. Far below the number of wins a team with this type of talent should have.

Bill Callahan was brought in this off season to handle the play calling duties, which still doesn't make any sense to me. I thought that was supposed to be Garrett’s strongest quality as a NFL coach, his unique and aggressive play calling. It’s like having a great pastry chef at your restaurant but when the restaurant starts failing you decide to bring in another pastry chef and move the great one you already had over to the grill to cook steaks. Makes no sense. 

Ron Rivera – Carolina Panthers

Unlike the two coaches above him, Ron Rivera doesn’t quite have the same level of overall talent, but his biggest issue is he seem's to have a franchise QB in Cam Newton but he can’t get the best out of him. There are few things worst/annoying than owning a fast car (Newton) and always driving under the speed limit. (Winning fewer than 8 games.)

In Rivera’s defense, in both of his two seasons as the head coach, the Panthers played much better in the second half. Carolina needs to get off to a much faster start in 2013 and at least be above .500. They win at least 8 games and Newton looks improved, I say Rivera could be safe for another season. Anything less and it’s over.

Mike Munchak – Tennessee Titans

This team really doesn’t look to be going anywhere under Munchak. They don’t look good or average. They’re bad but they don’t look like a complete dumpster fire either. Jake Locker doesn’t seem to be the right guy at QB and Chris Johnson hasn’t been the same since he sat out for his new contract. Playoffs and 10 plus wins saves Munchak’s job. 6-10 and no playoffs again and he’s unemployed.

Hot & Heating Up

Coaches here are in some trouble. Expectations are high so they must win but if they loss too badly they could be out.

Kubiak needs to win big to stay safe beyond 2013.

Gary Kubiak – Houston Texans

I was really close to putting Gary Kubiak in the list of coaches above, but he’s had too much recent success to say he’s in that much trouble. Unlike the Cowboys, Lions and Panthers, the Texans are coming off a season where they had 12 wins, won the division, made the playoffs and won a playoff game. 

Kubiak has the team moving in the right direction the only question is the same question you have with the team’s QB Matt Schaub. Can he get you over the hump? Like Schaub, you can win games with Kubiak, but can he win you Super Bowls?

Mike Smith – Atlanta Falcons

Mike Smith faces the same questions and situation as Kubiak. You could honestly read the above thoughts, replace Kubiak with Smith and Texans with Falcons and it’d be pretty “spot-on” for what Smith is going through in Atlanta. Including the same questions with his QB. The Falcons however, have far more aerial offensive firepower and Matt Ryan is probably a more talented QB than Schaub. Besides that, the Falcons are to the NFC what the Texans are to the AFC.

Toasty 

The coaches here aren’t in any real trouble but all bets are off if they lose 10 plus. Coaches here are relatively safe if they win 7 or more games.

Marvin Lewis – Cincinnati Bengals 

Marvin Lewis has been the coach of the Bengals for over a decade now with "mixed" results. His best team in 2005 looked primed to win big in the playoffs until Carson Palmer got his knee blown out and that was that. Palmer hasn't been the same since and neither were the Bengals. The Bengals really seem to be on the right track since they got Andy Dalton and A.J. Green but Lewis better start winning playoff games soon. There always seems to be some heat on Lewis so he can coach under the pressure, but 10 years, no playoff victories and underachieving with a team that looks to have great balance on both sides of the ball is not a good look. But he’s a Black coach and I gotta support the guy. It’s a Black Law. Like defending OJ and hating George Zimmerman.

Shanahan is pretty safe in Washington thanks to RG3.

Mike Shanahan – Washington Redskins

I really hate this team's nickname, so when addressing them I’ll only type or say “Washington”. Shanahan finally has his best QB since John Elway and he almost immediately screwed it up. Washington wasn’t expected to do anything in 2012, so getting 10 wins, the NFC East crown and making the playoffs should be seen as a huge success. Shanahan put a lot of pressure on himself by his mismanagement of Robert Griffin III's knee injury in the playoffs.              

That pressure has only increased after Shanahan said the team has Super Bowl or bust expectations. If Washington makes the playoffs again in 2013 it should still be seen as a great season. Especially seeing where the team’s coming from the past 15 years, but not making the playoffs isn’t the end of the world either. Shanahan would have to lose at least 13 games, get RG3 injured or killed, drive down to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue and slap President Obama to lose his job.

Leslie Frazier – Minnesota Vikings

I’m sure even Frazier himself didn’t see the Vikings having a playoff season in 2012. Namely because his best player Adrian Peterson was coming back from ACL surgery, his QB was “subpar” at best and his defense was aging fasted than milk left out on the counter on a hot day. But Minnesota won anyway.

Peterson had the greatest season ever for a running back, won the MVP, carried the team into the playoffs and probably saved Frazier’s job in the process. The Vikings could and should slip a bit in 2013 and Frazier would still return, but if they lose 10 plus, and look bad doing it, he’s gone. I was "this" close to putting Frazier in "Hot and Heating Up", but remember he's Black.

Neutral 

These coaches are just safe. They could lose 10 plus and still come back, but they definitely see more heat in the next season if they do that. Most of these coaches either just got the job or are in year two of the job. The ones that have a year of service start to move up or down after this season. But for this season, they could win or lose and they still return.

Carroll's all smiles in Seattle.

Pete Carroll – Seattle Seahawks

The Seahawks looked primed and ready to do big things in 2013. They have all the talent in the world on both sides of the ball and Carroll really looks to have the team focused on bigger goals than the division title. Russell Wilson just might be the greatest draft day steal in NFL history and could probably run for mayor of Seattle and win in a landslide.

Carroll isn’t in the next group of coaches because he’s missing that sustained or exceptional playoff success. Win or lose he’s safe to return in 2013. Win big and Carroll goes up a level in job safety. Lose big and he goes down a level. Carroll would have to have the Seahawks lose 13 plus and run plays with their helmets on backwards to get fired. 

John Fox – Denver Broncos

John Fox is one of the best coaches in the league that hasn’t won a Super Bowl. He took Tim “I Can’t Complete a Five Yard Out” Tebow and turned him into a playoff winning QB. He went to the Super Bowl with Jake Delhomme! (RE-READ THAT LAST SENTENCE!) So it comes as no surprise to me when he got Peyton Manning last season, he won 13 games including 11 in a row. 

Fox had one of the freakiest stats in NFL history at one point. Teams he coached had a record of 50+ and 0 when his offense scored at least 24 points. That all changed versus Black Jesus Black Tebow Ray Lewis and the Ravens last year. Fox and the Broncos have Super Bowl dreams again, and like Carroll, he could move up or down on this list depending on his team’s success in 2013.

Gus Bradley – Jacksonville Jaguars
Andy Reid – Kansas City Chiefs
Rob Chudzinski – Cleveland Browns
Joe Philbin - Miami Dolphins
Chip Kelly – Philadelphia Eagles
Marc Trestman – Chicago Bears
Jeff Fisher – St. Louis Rams
Greg Schiano - Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Mike McCoy - San Diego Chargers
Bruce Arians – Arizona Cardinals
Chuck Pagano – Indianapolis Colts
Doug Marrone – Buffalo Bills
Dennis Allen – Oakland Raiders

Unmovable

Nothing to say because the coaches here aren’t going anywhere. They’ve got Super Bowl appearances and/or Super Bowl wins. They'd have to lose 10 plus for a few years before they feel an ounce of heat. These guys basically quit/retire to lose their jobs.

The Harbaughs are going nowhere anytime soon.

Jim Harbaugh – San Francisco 49ers
John Harbaugh – Baltimore Ravens
Mike Tomlin – Pittsburg Steelers
Tom Couglin – New York Giants
Mike McCarthy – Green Bay Packers
Sean Payton – New Orleans Saints

God Mode (Saban Award) 

(Named After The Coach With Greatest Job Security in the history of football.)
This slot is saved for the one guy that could lose every year for a decade and still not move. When this guy retires, the team is going to try to talk him into staying longer. This guy is NEVER EVER feeling heat. He has statues outside of the stadium, fans name they’re babies after him and water towers in his hometown have his name painted across them. He doesn’t lose the job until he quits the job and if he wants to come back, you fire the guy that replaced him on the spot if it means he coaches your team again.

Bill Belichick – New England Patriots

Join the debate by leaving a comment below. Did you like my list or no? Did it get it right or wrong? Feel free to let me know. You can follow me on Twitter @ParisLay. Thanks for reading and as always Enjoy the View!

I May Be Wrong, But I Doubt It! (Episode 2)

It's a long one, but a very good one, as my brother Zeph breakdown the 1st Round of the 2013 NFL Draft. We'll tell you what each team such do with their picks and where things when wrong for them a season ago. Hearing me butcher the names of the draftees is worth a listen alone. Thanks for listening and enjoy the view!

Ode to the Fallen – 1st Annual NFL Year-End Review: AFC PT. 2

If you missed it, click here for NFC PT. 1

AFC EAST

New England (12-4) Division Champions, Playoff Berth

This guy is ready to go.

The Patriots are to the AFC East, what a 16-year old pitcher is to the Little League World Series, what Usain Bolt would be to the Special Olympics. Long story short, it’s just freaking unfair what they’re doing at this point. They’re the defending AFC Champions and they’re one of the few teams that have a real shot at winning the Super Bowl. Tom Brady was in typical MVP form and the Patriots offense scored the 3^rd most points of all time. For the first time in a long time, the Patriots seem to have real balance on offense as they ranked 7^th in rushing this season. While their defense has been improved, to the tune of being ranked 9^th against the run, their secondary still sucks as they ranked 29^th. You can air it out pretty easily on them and teams will be looking to exploit that. I don’t think he’s as good as Aaron Rogers, but they have Tom Brady so they have a shot to beat anyone, anywhere.

Miami Dolphins (7-9) Missed Playoffs

The Dolphins weren’t horrible this year but they didn’t look too good also. They finally “seem” to have the right answer at QB which is half the battle in the NFL. Most years, Ryan Tannehill would have been really impressive, but with RG3, Luck, and Wilson making the playoffs he got overshadowed and rightfully so. Their inability to stop the pass and their inability to make big plays in the passing game was their biggest problem in 2012. In order to move up a level they have to get better, either in free agency or the draft.

New York Jets (6-10) Missed Playoffs

These two people are dragging each other down. 

The Jets really should be applauded this year because they were true pioneers in NFL history. (Stay with me because this is about to be tricky.) They were the first team in NFL history to be the league's worst team and NOT have the worst record. They were the first team to be the worst team while being THE MOST TALKED ABOUT TEAM. It was the first time that a consensus opinion in the national media was proven right. Tebow and Sanchez were a disaster together and no one outside of their locker room or team, thought it had a chance in hell of working. GM Mike Tannenbaum was fired and he had to go. He gave Mark Sanchez an extension and that alone was a “fireable” offense. He’s always drafted horribly, he didn’t make any key pickups in the offseason to improve a their “disgusting” offense and Tim Tebow was clearly a move to grab headlines from the champion New York Giants. (How bad were the Jets on offense? The game against Arizona,  final score of Jets 7, Cardinals 6, has been approved as a new kind of "enhanced interrogation technique", aka torture, to be used by the CIA.) Rex Ryan didn’t get the boot because it wouldn’t be fair to saddle some new coach with a QB like Mark Sanchez. The Jets are stuck with Mark Sanchez for the same reason unhappy husbands are with dirtbag wives, “It’s cheaper to keep her.” The Jets are in for another long season of the same ol’ same ‘ol.

Buffalo Bills (6-10) Missed Playoffs

Ho-hum, just another fired head coach and another losing season in Buffalo. Chan Gailey was never the right answer and the Bills are left wondering where to go from here. Ryan Fitzpatrick clearly isn’t the QB they thought they were getting when they gave him that massive contract extension and they really need to go in another direction. The NFL is a passing league and the Bills can’t pass the ball. They did run the ball just fine however; evident by them finishing 6^th in rushing. Stopping the run was the real problem as they ranked second to last, 31^st, in the league. For all the “upgrades” on the defense they made in the offseason, they really didn’t seem any better on that side of the ball. The Bills are still rebuilding and I don’t see when that “phase” stops for them.

AFC North

Baltimore Ravens (10-6) Division Champions, Playoff Berth

This team has first round lost written all over it. You want to know the number of wins over playoff teams the Ravens have this season? Two. Week one against the Bengals (You know who else won in week one? The Eagles, the Jets, the Chargers, and the Cowboys just to name a few and none of those teams made the playoffs. Winning in week one is like getting to third base with a slut, anybody can do it.) and week 3 against the Patriots. (And they needed help from the “rent-a-referees” to get that victory.) For a guy in his contract year, Joe Flacco really didn’t play like it at all. Injuries aside, I really think this teams sucks and I say the Colts pull off the upset and sends them on they’re way. You can do it Colts, just take “Lassie” out back and finish it. It’s the humane thing to do.

Cincinnati Bengals (10-6) Wildcard, Playoff Berth

I like the way this team put it together at the end of the season. They “knuckled up” in the second half of the season winning seven out of the last eight. Andy Dalton and A.J. Green give the Bengals one of the league’s best QB and receiver duos in what would otherwise be a middle of the road offensive attack. The Bengals real strength is their amazing defensive line as they finished with the second most sacks in the NFL. I wouldn’t be surprised if they faired well against the Texans o-line this weekend but something about Cincy’s a little off. Dalton’s good, but I don’t think he’s “win you a Super Bowl” good. So I think it's one and done for the Bengals in the playoffs.

Pittsburg Steelers (8-8) Missed Playoffs

This happened too much in 2012.

Didn’t it seem like Pittsburg’s defense was older? The numbers say otherwise as they finished 1^st against the pass, 2^nd against the rush and 1^st overall. The real problem in Pittsburg is the same problem they’ve had the past few seasons; their offensive line sucks. While they only ranked 14^th in terms of sacks allowed, Big Ben seemed to always be shaking off defenders or getting up from the ground every time he dropped back. Those same hits caused him to miss games which caused Pittsburg to start a backup. They lost games which later forced the Steelers to start a Roethlisberger when he was still ailing. They have a better o-line and I say they would've made the playoffs. The Steelers need to improve the running game as well to give the offense balance and take some of  the pressure off of Big Ben. Todd Haley and Roethlisberger not seeing eye-to-eye didn’t help matters either.

Cleveland Browns (5-11) Missed Playoffs

At times this season the Browns looked like a real team but they just couldn’t get over the hump. I’m not saying having a 28-year old rookie QB is a bad thing but it’s not a good thing. Trent Richardson showed flashes and I really like some of the playmakers on the defense. With a new ownership group coming into town, you knew they’d be cleaning house but even coaching and GM changes won’t fix Cleveland’s biggest problem. You know, the whole “God hating them” and all. Cheer up Cleveland you did make this. And this.

AFC South

Houston Texans (12-4) Division Champions, Playoff Berth

The Texans are to the AFC what the Falcons are to the NFC. I could literally copy and paste most of the post about Atlanta and it would hold true of the Texans. They’re a very balanced team, they have the NFL’s sack leader and defensive player of the year in J.J. Watt but I’m not in love with Matt Schaub. I don’t think he’s the type of QB that can when you a championship. (Think Tony Romo but with less talent.) I don’t like how they ended the season at all. Win one game and everybody’s going to Houston for the right to play in the Super Bowl, instead they lose two in a row and drop to the three seed. That lack of urgency has to say something about them.

Indianapolis Colts (11-5) Wildcard, Playoff Berth

Chuckstrong = One Playoff Win

Holy One Year turnaround Batman! From two wins to eleven? Enough can’t be said about the job Andrew Luck did with the Colts this year. I went into great details a few weeks ago, so I’ll keep it short here. The Colts made the tough but right decision over the offseason to let Peyton Manning go and pick up Andrew Luck. It’s strange, because in a win now league, you always got to think long-term when it comes to QBs. “Chuckstrong” doesn’t get them to the Super Bowl but it does get them a win over the Ravens. And besides, there’s no way we don’t get to see Manning vs. Luck this year. The universe wants this to happen… or at least I do.

Tennessee Titans (6-10) Missed Playoffs

A very underwhelming but expected season from the Titans. Jake Locker showed improvement but not nearly enough to get the Titans anywhere close to being in the playoffs. This is the classic case of a team needing help everywhere. (22^nd in passing, 21^st in rushing, 26^th against the pass and 24^th against the run.) There’s nothing special about the Titans or they’re QB. I also think there’s no way the Titans bring Chris Johnson back. He's due way too much money for the production he’s giving them.

Jacksonville Jaguars (2-14) Missed Playoffs.

Blaine Gabbert sucks and was a total waste of a draft pick. They have HUGE holes in every area of football on their team and there’s no RG3 or Luck on the way in this year's draft. (See, two cents.)

AFC West

Denver Broncos (13-3) Division Champions, Playoff Berth

Best move of the offseason right here.

Peyton Manning is my MVP, but you already know that, and John Elway is my executive of the year for getting him to Denver. Manning knew what he was doing by going there because Denver’s so talented they got into the playoffs last season with a guy that’ll be playing QB in the CFL next year. Yeah I know they lost to Houston, Atlanta and New England, the only real teams they faced this year but that was in the beginning of the year when they didn’t look nearly as deadly as they do now. I predicted a few weeks back they’d get the number one seed and after winning 11 straight games no team's hotter going into the playoffs. This is my pick to win it all. And remember this, when a Manning wins the Super Bowl, another one wins it the next year.

San Diego Chargers (7-9) Missed Playoffs

I can’t say anything about the Chargers because I have a family member on their team and it wouldn’t be fair, but I will say this about them firing Norv Turner… IT’S ABOUT DAMN TIME!

Oakland Raiders (4-12) Missed Playoffs

That trade for Carson Palmer looks dumber by the minute. They were banking on the year of a full training camp to help return him to the Pro Bowl caliber QB he was years ago and that ain’t happening.  Like never, ever happening. McFadden can’t stay healthy and they have no balance on offense... at all. Oakland’s a mess and I don’t see an end in sight.

Kansas City Chiefs (2-14) Missed Playoffs

The Chiefs did two things well this season. Run the ball (5^th in rushing) and lose games. (2 wins and the number one pick.) I'm still trying to figure out why they hired Romeo Crennel in the first place and their quarterback situation is about as bad as Arizona’s. It looks like Andy Reid is headed here but I'm not sure why. Maybe it's that number one pick, because while Arizona did suck, they did win five games and one was over the Patriots. The Cardinals seemed a little closer than the Chiefs but that's just me. But you know if you're going to a new team, as a new head coach that is, for the most part that team sucked. Again, the next Andrew Luck or RG3 isn’t in sight, so get ready for more dark days ahead Chiefs fans.

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