What Does It Really Matter?

Want to know something really scary? I don’t give a damn about women. I don’t give a damn about kids. And I don’t give a damn about men. And neither do you. None of us give two shits about any of these things because if we did, none of us would ever watch another NFL game. We are all mindless sheep akin to the thousands of Romans that would pour into the Colosseum back in the early years of the ADs to watch men slaughter one another for their amusement. Just like those simple-minded boobs, we have a bloodlust that MUST BE FILLED! And it must be filled at ANY AND ALL COST!

I don’t need a scientific report to tell me that men, weighing as much as 350 pounds, running at 4.3-4.5 40 yard-dash speeds, crashing into one another is REALLY FUCKING DANGEROUS!  And if it (football) didn’t exist already and someone thought of this shit today, we’d ask them if they lost their damn mind. “So let me get this straight? You want giant ass freaks of men to ram head first into one another over and over for 3 hours? And all for the sake of entertainment you say? Are you fucking crazy? That's a horrible idea! A, no one would do it and B, no one would watch it!” It’s no surprise that these men playing a violent sport are committing violent acts off the field. There isn’t a doctor alive that wouldn’t say repeated head trauma doesn’t have a drastic effect on a person’s behavior. Roger Goodell knows this. The NFL knows this. The players know this. You know this. I know this. But no one gives a shit. They’re going to keep playing and we’re going to keep watching.

You’d think the NFL would have started taking domestic violence serious after one of the countless arrest for domestic violence since Goodell's taken over as commissioner. Or maybe after last season when a player shot the mother of his child seven times then killed himself in front of the coach and GM of his team. Or maybe after they saw a player dragging his unconscious fiancee out of an elevator like a sack of potatoes. But oh no! Those things weren’t enough. It wasn’t until TMZ showed us what we had all ALREADY KNEW happened, did you, or the NFL, start to act like they give a damn about domestic violence.

Folks, reading about domestic violence is one thing. A picture is one thing too, but SEEING it happen is a WHOLE other can of worms. I'll explain. According to some music critics and historians, Ike Turner invented rock-n-roll as we know it, but no one remembers him for that. Did you know the book that the 1993 bio-pic What’s Love Got To Do With It was based on the 1986 book I, Tina? As in, what Ike had done to Tina was known for at least seven years prior to the release of the film. Before 1993, Ike Turner still enjoyed a relatively lucrative career in music via touring and booking shows, but that all stopped once the movie hit (Pardon the Pun) theaters.

After June 9th, 1993, Ike Turner was about as untouchable as a Big Mac from Chernobyl. Overnight he was instantly vilified and became the international poster boy for woman abusers. I mean, his name pretty much became a verb to describe hitting a woman. For years, Turner claimed that the abuse was vastly overplayed in the film, but the damage was done. We didn’t even see Ike hit Tina for real. We saw Laurence Fishburne pretend to hit Angela Bassett but just the visual portrayal of domestic violence was enough to cook Ike Turner. (Somewhere Chris Brown is thanking God his run in with Rihanna wasn’t caught on tape.)

The point is Ike Turner hit women. We knew that and we didn't need a movie to figure it out. Just like we knew James Brown, Sam Cooke, Jimi Hendrix, and countless other soul singers, hit women. In both Jimi Hendrix and James Brown’s bio-pic from this year, domestic abuse is only shown once, because they know the damage it can cause. For whatever reason, SEEING it somehow makes it "real" I guess?

How bad is domestic violence though? This is the first time I can remember the "big bad NFL" bending to the will of public opinion. But only so much did it bend. I’m not an idiot and I don’t think for one second that the NFL didn’t see that video before TMZ released it. Because by all accounts, my Black ass could’ve called that casino and could have gotten a copy of the elevator tape. I’m not here to say Rice or Peterson or anyone else with domestic violence charges shouldn’t ever play again. This is a country of second chances, but for the league to act like they care and for YOU to act like you care is just silly to me. (When Anheuser-Busch came out with a statement saying they were “disappointed” in the leagues handling of domestic violence I literally laughed. Anheuser-Busch and its “product” has had a hand in more ass-whoopings than Everlast boxing gloves! A beer company getting “upset” over domestic violence is like Smith and Wesson getting "upset" over war.)

They (The NFL) don’t really care because YOU don’t really care. And no, Roger Goodell isn’t quitting his job. He is a dumb-ass that couldn't get a job to pay him $44K a year, much less one paying him $44M a year. You don’t quit a job like that! You retire or you get fired. FUCK PUBLIC PRESSURE when the public doesn’t really give a shit. That’s why he gave half-ass answers and empty statements during last week’s presser. That’s why he’s laying low. Because he knows all he has to do is ride the wave and wait for the calm.

Goodell could've given a press conference where he said,

“Fuck Native Americans! Go Redskins! Fuck Black people too, because the New York Giants are now the New York Niggers! Fuck player safety! We’re adding Wednesday night games to go with the already dangerous and sloppily played Thursday night games you never asked for. Get money! And one more thing, yeah I saw the Rice elevator video and I laugh every time I see it! What are you going to do about it? See all you suckers on Sunday and make sure you buy a pink Ray Rice jersey to support titty cancer or the support of the stop of titty cancer or whatever that shit supports! Fuck you! Go NFL! Roger out bitches!”

He could have then dropped the mic, pulled down his pants, pissed on the reporters and we all would STILL watch the NFL. Hell I know Black fans of the Giants that would proudly buy and WEAR, New York Nigger team gear! Funny thing is, if we could just all stop watching for one Sunday, just ONE, the message those empty seats, and empty ratings, would send could change everything. But we can’t. We need our medicine. 

This is the YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, binge-watch five seasons of a show in one weekend, “I need it now” age. We’ll forget about this. Just like we forgot Russia shot down a fucking commercial plane. Just like we forgot cops killed two unarmed Black men this summer. The NFL can do whatever it wants. Say whatever it wants. And we’ll still watch. That’s why Goodell isn’t going anywhere. Because he knows you, me, we, US, aren’t going anywhere. So why the hell would he?

Some Like It Hot! 2nd Annual NFL Head Coach Hotseat Power Ranking

Carroll has turned the Seahawks into a budding juggernaut.

Another year, another dollar! The 2014 NFL season is almost upon us. Last year, I had the bright idea of writing an article previewing the season in an unconventional way. You can go anywhere to be told who’s going to be the breakout star or surprise team. Why would you want that? That’s boring... to me anyway. But who wouldn't want to know where their favorite team's head coach was sitting while riding the wacky NFL coaching carousel. No bullshit, Al Qaeda leaders have better job security than NFL head coaches.

This post is actually a huge moment for me because it’s the first time I’ve done a second edition of a previous article. So if you were around for last season’s post, I'd like to say thanks for sticking with me. Anyway, let’s see who’s in the hottest hotseat in 2014, but first, here’s a list of the “fallen” from last season. Cue, Sarah McLachlan's "I Will Remember You."

Jim Schwartz, Lions

Mike Munchak, Titans

Gary Kubiak, Texans

Mike Shanahan, Racists, Redskins

Leslie Frazier, Vikings

Greg Schiano, Buccaneers

Rob Chudzinski, Browns (DUDE WAS A FIRST YEAR COACH IN THE NEUTRAL ZONE! Damn Cleveland! Doesn’t matter the sport, even your first year coaches aren’t safe! Mike Brown is somewhere nodding right now.)

Dead Man Walking (Norv Turner Award)

(Named After the Coach that survived the most seasons as a Dead Man Walking.)
Coaches here already have their pink slips under their office chairs, even if they don’t know it. These guys could literally be fired by the time I finish typing this. Only an improbable Super Bowl victory saves their jobs. 

Joe Philbin -  Miami Dolphins

After two bad Dolphins' seasons, including all the drama from last season, I’m as shocked as any that Philbin survived 2013. My only guess to why he got to keep his gig is Dolphins management figured he deserved a “do-over" after the Jonathan Martin/Richie Incognito fiasco. But if you ask me there's no way he should get a pass for all of the "in house drama" that took place down in South Beach. NFL head coaches are total control freaks in the locker room. I don't blame Bill Belichick for not knowing what Aaron Hernadez was doing off the field because coaches don't control that part of their players' lives. When it comes to everything on the field and in that locker room, head coaches are Alpha and Omega. If the Dolphins miss the playoffs this season Philbin will be calling LeBron James to ask, "Who did you get to move your stuff from Miami? Why? I'm ahhh. I'm asking for a friend."

Blazing Hot

The Coaches here are probably done after this season. Miss the playoffs and it’s over. Make the playoffs and it still may be over. They at least last through the season, but they’d need 10 plus victories and at least one playoff win to get another year.

Jason Garrett - Dallas Cowboys

Face of a winner.

Jason Garrett is like "Jason" in that he won't go away no matter how much death and destruction he causes. He's made the “Blazing Hot” list in back-to-back years and that's NOT a good thing by the way. I predicted that the 2013 Cowboys would have a shot to make the playoffs, blow it and somehow go 8-8. They smell even worst than that this season. Losing Sean Lee doesn’t help and Romo may or may not be 100%. Truth be told, Romo is the only reason the Cowboys are as good as they have been. It’s hard to see Jerry Jones giving Garrett another year if Dallas doesn’t make the playoffs in 2014. He should be our "Dead Man Walking" but then again it is Dallas and God knows what the hell they’re doing down there.

Dennis Allen - Oakland Raiders

Do you remember anything positive or negative about the 2013 Oakland Raiders? Nope me either. You could've told me that the NFL instituted relegation during the 2013 season and the Raiders played in the CFL. That's how out of touched the Raiders felt last season. (Relegation is used in English soccer leagues. It's a policy where the worst team each year moves down to a lower league.) I don’t see any scenario (Outside of Peyton Manning, Philip Rivers, and Alex Smith murdering one another in a three-way cage match to the death.) where the immortal Matt Schaub leads the Raiders into the playoffs. Which means I don’t see Allen in Oakland much longer.

Rex Ryan - New York Jets

Ryan pulled a Norv Turner in that he kept a job he had no business keeping. Coming off that feat alone I had to move him down a level… or up… I’m still not sure how movement on this scale works. The Jets added a few nice pieces, most notable dogkiller, QB Michael Vick. Unless Geno Smith turns into a beast, which I DON’T see happening, I can already see the QB controversy in New York. Did Rex not learn from the whole Tim Tebow thing?! Rex's just really into overrated, overhyped super polarizing quarterbacks I guess. It’s been fun but it’s over if you miss the playoffs Rex.

 Hot & Heating Up

Coaches here are in some trouble. Expectations are high so they must win but if they loss too badly they could be out.

Mike Smith - Atlanta Falcons

Mike Smith how the hell did you survive going 4-12?!?! With a healthy Matt Ryan no less?! A drop off that bad can normally be directly attributed to an injury to your star QB. Falcon management must've felt Smith was owed a pass because of the Julio Jones injury and for getting Atlanta back on track after the Bobby Petrino/Michael Vick mess. Injuries aside, the Falcons are perennial under performers and Smith's leash is as short as it's ever been. A revamped D, and a healthy Julio should equal a bounce back year for Atlanta. But all bets are off on Smith keeping his job if the Falcons have another season like 2013.

Ron Rivera - Carolina Panthers

Rivera is as intense on the sideline as he was on the field.

Ron Rivera, a lame duck coach on the verge of looking through the classifieds for a high school coaching job, successfully reshaped himself into Riverboat Ron, a risk takin' SOB that doesn't take shit! Riverboat Ron led the Panthers into the playoffs, kept his job, played himself off the "Blazing List" and moved up, or down still not sure, to the H&H list. Good, no GREAT job Riverboat Ron! That being said, I don’t see the Panthers going anywhere in 2014. I'm factoring in a much tougher schedule and that little part where the Saints and Falcons have both improved. I don’t think Ron’s in as bad as shape as he was coming into last season, he’s not out of the woods by any means.

Marvin Lewis - Cincinnati Bengals

Only Bill Belichick has been with his team longer than Marvin Lewis has been with the Bengals. That's surprising considering one guy is a three time Super Bowl champion and the other guy is well, Marvin Fucking Lewis! Three straight trips to the playoffs means there's a lot more pressure on him than there use to be. Cincinnati is rich with talent on both sides of the ball and the return of Pro Bowl D-Lineman Geno Atkins means the Bengals should be a lot better going into the playoffs. I say "going into the playoffs" because anything less is a total and complete failure. Given how much money they committed to Andy “I haven’t proven I can win a playoff game but thanks for the money anyway” Dalton, Cincy has lofty goals not for their future, but for right now.

Toasty

The coaches here aren’t in any real trouble but all bets are off if they lose 10 plus. Coaches here are relatively safe if they win 7 or more games.

Gus Bradley - Jacksonville Jaguars

Damn son! Shit was all good just a week ago! Neutral list to Toasty in one year. That took some doing cause outside Cleveland, you get at least two seasons before you start feeling the heat. The Jags sucked harder than a hooker on Valentine's Day in 2013. Most of it could be blamed on their horrid QB situation that Bradley inherited. Now that he’s got his own QB in Blake Bortles (Who I think is going to be pretty good by the way.) there aren't going to be many excuses left. Given the success of rookie QBs the last few years, I don't think people in Jacksonville see a Super Bowl coming in 2014, but no way they should be 4-12 again.

Doug Marrone - Buffalo Bills

The Bills weren't great and like Bradley, its only Marrone’s second year but he doesn’t feel safe at all to me. QB EJ Manuel had to deal with a few injuries so it’s not all Marrone’s fault they were bad in 2013. Buffalo have the longest playoff drought in the NFL so expectations are never that high. But I’m sure they’d like to go to the playoffs sometime in my kid’s lifetime. Last year he was on the Neutral list but I could see Buffalo moving on if he’s really bad this second season. A few coaches from the Neutral list got the ax and it wouldn't be a shock if Marrone were one of those guys in 2014.

Neutral  

These coaches are just safe. They could lose 10 plus and still come back, but they definitely see more heat in the next season if they do that. Most of these coaches either just got the job or are in year two of the job. The ones that have a year of service start to move up or down after this season. But for this season, they could win or lose and they still return. (NOTE: Names in bold are coaches in their 1st with a team.)

Chip Kelly has brought happy times to Philly.

Chip Kelly - Philadelphia Eagles

From an offensive X’s and O’s standpoint, Kelly very well could be the best coach in the NFL. Philly’s dynamic offensive scheme helped turn Nick Foles into a Pro Bowler and in turn, me into a back-to-back Fantasy Football Champion! Thanks Chip! Expectations are rightfully very high in Philly. Especially seeing how shaky the Giants, Cowboys and Washington all look. I see the Eagles at least winning the NFC East, but I’m sure Kelly and the Eagles are aiming much higher than a division title.

Bruce Arians - Arizona Cardinals

People forget that this guy was almost a back-to-back Coach of the Year! Arians won in 2012 during “ChuckStrong” and could have won it last season as well. He got 10 wins in the NFL’s toughest division and somehow made the corpse of Carson Palmer look like a real NFL QB again. That alone should have gotten the guy at least co-COY. The NFC West looks to be a just as tough in 2014, with the 49ers and Seahawks being Super Bowl favorites so I could see the Cards winning fewer games. Either way, winning or losing season, Arians is one of the safest in the Neutral zone.

Andy Reid - Kansas City Chiefs

The 2013 Chiefs surprised all with their 11-5 season but not me. A bad division, new good coach replacing an old horrible coach, and a soft schedule meant everything was in place for Reid to have success in year one. You'll notice as their opponents got better down the stretch, the Chiefs got worse. Alex Smith is "serviceable" but he's not winning you a Super Bowl. If Reid couldn't win it all in Philly when Donovan McNabb was at the peak of his powers, no way he's winning it with a WAYYY less talented noodle armed Alex Smith. 2014 doesn’t look like it's going to be as nice as 2013 in Kansas City. However, even if they lose, Reid won’t feel much heat... yet.

Marc Trestman - Chicago Bears

Mike Pettine – Cleveland Browns

Jim Caldwell – Detroit Lions

Bill O’Brien – Houston Texans

Chuck Pagano – Indianapolis Colts

Mike Zimmer - Minnesota Vikings

Mike McCoy - San Diego Chargers

Jeff Fisher – St. Louis Rams

Lovie Smith – Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Ken Whisenhunt – Tennessee Titans

Jay Gruden – Washington Racists Redskins

Unmovable

Nothing to say because the coaches here aren’t going anywhere. They’ve got Super Bowl appearances and/or Super Bowl wins. They'd have to lose 10 plus for a few years before they feel an ounce of heat. These guys basically quit/retire to lose their jobs.

After leading the Broncos to the Super Bowl, John Fox upgraded to unmovable.

John Harbaugh – Baltimore Ravens

John Fox- Denver Broncos

Mike McCarthy – Green Bay Packers

Mike Tomlin – Pittsburgh Steelers

Sean Payton – New Orleans Saints

Tom Coughlin – New York Giants

Jim Harbaugh – San Francisco 49ers

Peter Carroll – Seattle Seahawks

God Mode (Nick Saban Award)

(Named After The Coach With Greatest Job Security in the history of football.)

This slot is saved for the one guy that could lose every year for a decade and still not move. When this guy retires, the team is going to try to talk him into staying longer. This guy is NEVER EVER feeling heat. He has statues outside of the stadium, fans name they’re babies after him and water towers in his hometown have his name painted across them. He doesn’t lose the job until he quits the job and if he wants to come back, you fire the guy that replaced him on the spot if it means he coaches your team again.

Bill Belichick – New England Patriots

Love the Game, Hate The People

All of these people...are idiots. 

I hate Lakers fans. I hate Clippers fans. I hate Celtics fans. Heat Fans. 49ers fans. Seahawks fans. Cowboys fans.  Lions fans. Yankees fans. Red Sox fans. Cubs fans. Michigan University Football fans. Ohio State fans. Man U fans. Brazilian soccer fans. Any other team’s fans for that matter. I hate them all! Sad part is, I root for several of those teams. The Lakers, Lions, Michigan Wolverines and Cubs are all “my” teams, but I’m really, really starting to hate the fans.

There’s an old Chris Rock joke that goes, “I love Black people but I hate niggas! Boy I hate niggas so much I wish I could join the KKK!” I love sports, but I hate sports fans! Love the games (and I use the word “love” very loosely,) but hate (and I use that word KNOWINGLY) some of the people that watch the games.

 

This guy has "life issues" that Jesus couldn't  fix.

Fan is short for fanatic. Merriam-Webster defines it as “marked by excessive enthusiasm and often intense uncritical devotion. “ Let’s break down this definition. “Excessive enthusiasm” means that even when the team is shitty/average a “fan” is always going to be way too excited about the team. Even as the team yields mediocre results, they'll always think higher of them (the team) than they should. (A’la Cowboy fans, Lakers fans, Yankees fans.)  “Uncritical devotion” means that even when the team and/or players on the team, does something wrong, on or off the field, a fan is unable to render any judgment on their players' or team's wrongdoing. (A’la Kobe/Lakers fans after Colorado. A’la Washington Football Fans that excuse their team's CLEARLY racist nickname. A’la 49ers fan after Aldon Smith does…well anything.)

Even when these guys are dirt bags, cheating, lying, lowdown a-holes, "fans" STILL support them. If the name on the front of the jersey is a team they like, fans will wholeheartedly stand by them like a cheating politician’s wife at one of those apology press conference. Like a person dressed in your favorite team’s gear somehow gives them a pass to commit multiple DUIs, slap their wife/girlfriend and even murder people… allegedly anyway. If these men didn’t run, jump, or throw the ball for a team you liked, then they’d be a public outcast like anyone else would be.

My biggest problem is fans are too stupid to realize they control sports. Not the players, not the owners, the FANS! They, the collective body, don’t realize that without us forking over our hard-earned money for overpriced parking, overpriced hotdogs, overpriced beers and VASTLY overpriced seats, game after game, that teams would be NOTHING. Fans don’t get that the greatest message they could send to a racist owner, or perennially mismanaged franchise, would be leaving their 40,000 plus seat stadium empty on gamenight. Imagine if the Washington Professional Football fans voiced their desire for wanting the team name to be changed by leaving FedEx Field a ghost town on opening Sunday. The name would change from “Redskins” to “Fluffy Love Fairies” by halftime. Fans have that much power but NEVER wield it. (Quick tangent about the Washington football nickname. Ask yourself this; would Dan Snyder, anyone that’s a fan of that team or anyone else feel comfortable addressing a Native American as “Redskin”? Didn’t think so. If you won’t call a person a “Redskin”, why the hell would you call a team that!)

Looking on the outside, I see why it’s so easy to hate us Lakers fans. All we do is talk about "our" 16 titles. Hell, we don’t even have the most which is the most frustrating part about "us" bragging about that fact. (The hated Boston Celtics have 17) If we’re talking about things in a historical context then sure, pound your chest Lakers nation. If someone is stupid enough to want to talk about their team's legacy versus ours, then get at them. Of the ten arguably greatest players ever, four have had on a Lakers jersey at one point in their career. (Magic, Wilt, Kobe, Kareem) But if a person is talking about the here and now, we need to do like all the other fans of hapless franchise right now, (IE Bucks, Cavs, Sixers fans) SHUT THE FUCK UP! We suck.

 

New rule: Unless you weren't ON THE FIELD playing the game,
or you're NOT under the age of 8, you DON'T get to act like THIS.

Look, I understand that sports can be something more. Something greater. Programs like ESPN's 30-for-30 and E-60 or HBO's Real Sports do an awesome job of showcasing how a game can become something more than, well, more than a game. But for the most part fans need to remember, these are grown men playing a game, not fighting a war or curing cancer mind you, PLAYING A GAME that (BARRING YOU HAVING WAGED YOUR HOUSE ON THE OUTCOME, which is a WHOLE OTHER article), has ZERO effect on your life! My brother didn’t speak to me for weeks after the 49ers Vs. Seahawks game. I don’t care what he says, I KNOW THAT GAME HAD AT LEAST SOMETHING TO DO WITH HIS MOOD. You’d think Richard Sherman personally came in our apartment and slapped this negro the way he was acting. You’d think he was on the field in the  number 7 jersey throwing passes the way he was depressed. Nothing outside of something happening to my children, mother, girlfriend, family or friends could get me that upset.

You see, it’s a problem that after Green Bay Packers losses, domestic violence goes up 45% in the state of Wisconsin! Really?! Why do people put such importance on the outcome of a meaningless event, in the grand scheme of life, that they themselves HAVE NO CONTROL OVER? I’ll never understand that. I mean I get “rec league guy” getting all crazy because he’s there, in the moment. on the court. He’s still crazy but at least he’s going crazy over a game he is ACTUALLY INVOLVED IN AND HAS A CHANCE TO EFFECT THE OUTCOME.

Again... idiot.

Maybe it’s because I’m happy and I don’t have to put sports on this weird pedestal a lot of other fans do. I have two great kids. I have great relationships with my friends and family. I think I have the world’s best job. I’m really lucky I guess, because most people don’t have these “luxuries”. I mean, if I hated one or a few of those things in my life, then maybe, and just maybe, I would try to replace it with something else. But I would not replace it with something I couldn’t control like professional sports.

So from here on out, I’m no longer a Lakers “fan” or a Michigan “fan, or a Lions “fan”, or a “fan” of any other sports team. I’m a Lakers “watcher”.  A Lions “viewer”. A Cubs “observer”. Which Merriam defines as “a person who watches or notices something”. Because the only thing that I have an “excessive enthusiasm” for or an “intense uncritical devotion” to is a little girl named Aaliyah and a little boy named Dominic. (Those are my kids.)