|All of these people...are idiots.|
I hate Lakers fans. I hate Clippers fans. I hate Celtics fans. Heat Fans. 49ers fans. Seahawks fans. Cowboys fans. Lions fans. Yankees fans. Red Sox fans. Cubs fans. Michigan University Football fans. Ohio State fans. Man U fans. Brazilian soccer fans. Any other team’s fans for that matter. I hate them all! Sad part is, I root for several of those teams. The Lakers, Lions, Michigan Wolverines and Cubs are all “my” teams, but I’m really, really starting to hate the fans.
There’s an old Chris Rock joke that goes, “I love Black people but I hate niggas! Boy I hate niggas so much I wish I could join the KKK!” I love sports, but I hate sports fans! Love the games (and I use the word “love” very loosely,) but hate (and I use that word KNOWINGLY) some of the people that watch the games.
Fan is short for fanatic. Merriam-Webster defines it as “marked by excessive enthusiasm and often intense uncritical devotion. “ Let’s break down this definition. “Excessive enthusiasm” means that even when the team is shitty/average a “fan” is always going to be way too excited about the team. Even as the team yields mediocre results, they'll always think higher of them (the team) than they should. (A’la Cowboy fans, Lakers fans, Yankees fans.) “Uncritical devotion” means that even when the team and/or players on the team, does something wrong, on or off the field, a fan is unable to render any judgment on their players' or team's wrongdoing. (A’la Kobe/Lakers fans after Colorado. A’la Washington Football Fans that excuse their team's CLEARLY racist nickname. A’la 49ers fan after Aldon Smith does…well anything.)
Even when these guys are dirt bags, cheating, lying, lowdown a-holes, "fans" STILL support them. If the name on the front of the jersey is a team they like, fans will wholeheartedly stand by them like a cheating politician’s wife at one of those apology press conference. Like a person dressed in your favorite team’s gear somehow gives them a pass to commit multiple DUIs, slap their wife/girlfriend and even murder people… allegedly anyway. If these men didn’t run, jump, or throw the ball for a team you liked, then they’d be a public outcast like anyone else would be.
My biggest problem is fans are too stupid to realize they control sports. Not the players, not the owners, the FANS! They, the collective body, don’t realize that without us forking over our hard-earned money for overpriced parking, overpriced hotdogs, overpriced beers and VASTLY overpriced seats, game after game, that teams would be NOTHING. Fans don’t get that the greatest message they could send to a racist owner, or perennially mismanaged franchise, would be leaving their 40,000 plus seat stadium empty on gamenight. Imagine if the Washington Professional Football fans voiced their desire for wanting the team name to be changed by leaving FedEx Field a ghost town on opening Sunday. The name would change from “Redskins” to “Fluffy Love Fairies” by halftime. Fans have that much power but NEVER wield it. (Quick tangent about the Washington football nickname. Ask yourself this; would Dan Snyder, anyone that’s a fan of that team or anyone else feel comfortable addressing a Native American as “Redskin”? Didn’t think so. If you won’t call a person a “Redskin”, why the hell would you call a team that!)
Looking on the outside, I see why it’s so easy to hate us Lakers fans. All we do is talk about "our" 16 titles. Hell, we don’t even have the most which is the most frustrating part about "us" bragging about that fact. (The hated Boston Celtics have 17) If we’re talking about things in a historical context then sure, pound your chest Lakers nation. If someone is stupid enough to want to talk about their team's legacy versus ours, then get at them. Of the ten arguably greatest players ever, four have had on a Lakers jersey at one point in their career. (Magic, Wilt, Kobe, Kareem) But if a person is talking about the here and now, we need to do like all the other fans of hapless franchise right now, (IE Bucks, Cavs, Sixers fans) SHUT THE FUCK UP! We suck.
Look, I understand that sports can be something more. Something greater. Programs like ESPN's 30-for-30 and E-60 or HBO's Real Sports do an awesome job of showcasing how a game can become something more than, well, more than a game. But for the most part fans need to remember, these are grown men playing a game, not fighting a war or curing cancer mind you, PLAYING A GAME that (BARRING YOU HAVING WAGED YOUR HOUSE ON THE OUTCOME, which is a WHOLE OTHER article), has ZERO effect on your life! My brother didn’t speak to me for weeks after the 49ers Vs. Seahawks game. I don’t care what he says, I KNOW THAT GAME HAD AT LEAST SOMETHING TO DO WITH HIS MOOD. You’d think Richard Sherman personally came in our apartment and slapped this negro the way he was acting. You’d think he was on the field in the number 7 jersey throwing passes the way he was depressed. Nothing outside of something happening to my children, mother, girlfriend, family or friends could get me that upset.
You see, it’s a problem that after Green Bay Packers losses, domestic violence goes up 45% in the state of Wisconsin! Really?! Why do people put such importance on the outcome of a meaningless event, in the grand scheme of life, that they themselves HAVE NO CONTROL OVER? I’ll never understand that. I mean I get “rec league guy” getting all crazy because he’s there, in the moment. on the court. He’s still crazy but at least he’s going crazy over a game he is ACTUALLY INVOLVED IN AND HAS A CHANCE TO EFFECT THE OUTCOME.
Maybe it’s because I’m happy and I don’t have to put sports on this weird pedestal a lot of other fans do. I have two great kids. I have great relationships with my friends and family. I think I have the world’s best job. I’m really lucky I guess, because most people don’t have these “luxuries”. I mean, if I hated one or a few of those things in my life, then maybe, and just maybe, I would try to replace it with something else. But I would not replace it with something I couldn’t control like professional sports.
So from here on out, I’m no longer a Lakers “fan” or a Michigan “fan, or a Lions “fan”, or a “fan” of any other sports team. I’m a Lakers “watcher”. A Lions “viewer”. A Cubs “observer”. Which Merriam defines as “a person who watches or notices something”. Because the only thing that I have an “excessive enthusiasm” for or an “intense uncritical devotion” to is a little girl named Aaliyah and a little boy named Dominic. (Those are my kids.)